being a woman

I gave up the birth control pill about three months ago, and haven't had a period since. A week ago I felt nauseous and found myself by the toilet. Scary. I bought a pregnancy test and all was safe. No baby yet.

However, I can't get the idea of pregnancy off my mind. Especially today. I was talking to students about their art projects for a class I'm T.A'ing. the last one rushed in, apologizing profusely... she just discovered she was pregnant today. she was 21 and she was going to get an abortion. She was half in tears.

One realises that the body chooses sporadic moments to re-assert itself as a thing of nature. I emphasise "thing." Pregnancy is obviously one of those times.

I slowly find myself changing my personal descriptor from 'girl' to 'woman,' looking in the mirror and realising that there is nothing girlish about my body except the fact that I'm short. It may seem a tad unnecessary to mention, the fact that as the (proud) owner of XX chromosomes, I can pop out a kid, but it freaks me out-- I can have babies now. I could have babies a long time ago, but it was never a real thought except for the occasional pregnancy test brought on by a late period.

I am realising that my body may be capable of developing some wierd genetic slobbery mini-me. Something I will place on my teat. It will poo on me, laugh at handicapped people, and be very soft to touch. It might even coo. That is freaky.

Maybe I won't even be able to conceive. That is strange as well. Although to some extent a sigh of relief, a part of me would feel as if I am a failed woman.
To be honest, I just want the experience of being pregnant for about a month. The good parts all compressed. First kick, check. Strange feeling of something hiccupping inside of me, check. Intense feeling of euphoria and pain as the thing comes out, check. Holding baby, check.
And then, mark that off on my to-do list for life experiences. the baby magically disappears, and

I head off to live in a treehouse in Jamaica and grow marijuana.

I hope that girl is alright.

For quick reference, the image I pasted with this is Paula Mendersohn Becker's image of herself as pregnant. It is an imaginary pregnancy.